Jodie: Have you actually seen a clitoris?
Boy [protesting]: It’s not out here yet! [Staying positive, fluent] But I’ve heard it’s a great movie.
She laughs.
Boy: What?
Jodie: You’re funny.
Boy: No, I do know what it is, it was just I was told it was…well…you know.
Jodie: No, I don’t know. What were you told?
Boy: I was told it was irrelevant.
Jodie [playing along]: Oh really? Irrelevant?
Boy : No? What’s it for then? I’m sure the Reverend Iball told us it was irrelevant.
Jodie [incredulous] : Who?! The Reverend who?!!
He looked at Jodie’s astonished face, which was a picture.
Boy: The Reverend Iball. Our biology teacher. He taught us about…you know [pretending to be coy and British about it, then going up to her and whispering, breathing the very word very gently onto her left shoulder] …sex. [Then standing back and proclaiming reassuringly, with confidence] Everything you experience on this date with me Angel, was taught to me by a bona fide representative of the Church of England. That’s what you’ve got to look forward to.
Jodie: OK. Well, in some respects, I feel greatly comforted by that. [After a brief pause] So you were taught Sex Ed at Latymer Upper School by a vicar?!
Boy: Human Reproduction and by the school chaplain, yes.
Jodie [turning her head and murmuring in disbelief] Jesus Christ.
Boy: He made no appearance but I think he was floating around in the back of the Reverend’s mind a lot during those lessons.
Jodie: And your Reverend told you a clitoris was irrelevant, hunh?
Boy: Well, he said not to worry about it “for now.”
Jodie: How long did he mean by “for now?”
Boy: I don’t know. I understood it to mean until the end of double chemistry the following day. I thought until a phone call on my 16th birthday (which is a good six months away) was unlikely to be what he meant anyway.
Jodie [snorted with laughter] Why the end of double chemistry?
Boy: Because after double chemistry was the next biology lesson.
Jodie: OK. I see.
Boy: But I’m definitely worrying still, ok? Whenever he meant “for now” to end. The longer I look at you, the more worried I’m getting to be honest.
Jodie [pausing and smiling at the flirtation. Then pursuing this amusing line of chat]: So he never explained its function at all after double chemistry? In the end?
Boy: No. He sort of said the same thing again in that lesson. He said at this stage it was something we should not worry ourselves about.
Jodie: Oh.
Boy: Boyd put up his hand and asked at what stage he should worry about the clitoris – which I think was just Boyd wanting to say the word clitoris out loud.
Jodie: Good for Boyd. And what was the good Reverend’s reply to Boyd?
Boy: Inaudible. Salama answered Boyd immediately by saying, “when your boyfriend’s penis falls off.” [He paused] We’re not very advanced over here about that kind of thing. Sorry. [He appeared to be genuinely apologetic about this kind of humour.] Salama got a detention though which, I guess, represents a degree of progress since…I don’t know…Chaucer. [I have to say, I think this is extremely unfair on Alan Salama. It was probably Johnny Miller.]
Jodie [was stifling a laugh. She could barely bring herself to ask.] : Anything else?
The Boy continued: Miller then put up his hand and claimed his grandmother also wanted to know what the clitoris was. She wanted him to phone her from a phone box and tell her on the way home from school. You know the kind of thing…
Jodie: He got a detention for that one?
Boy: After one helluva laugh, yes.
Jodie: They made fun of him, the Chaplain.
He smiled at her.
Boy: Well…
Jodie: You do know, right?
Boy: What? Oh that…well, vaguely. [He looked genuinely sheepish.] Well, to be honest not really. [And then the boy looked genuinely sad.] Iball did say two things in that last lesson on Human Reproduction though, which I think were really important.
Jodie: What were they?
Boy: First, he said it was “interesting” that it was so easy to catch STDs, as if the Lord wanted to discourage or punish promiscuity. We all knew he meant by that – that it was God’s intention expressed in virulence. Second, he said it was significant that procreation could occur independently of the female orgasm. If we wanted to bother with the clitoris and all that, and he wouldn’t recommend it, he had some books he could give us. He’d just need to take our names and then he peered at us over his glasses.
Jodie: Any takers?
Boy: Miller said his grandmother would call him.
Jodie Foster and the Super 8 